White Noise: Ground crew humour

I’ve recently run across a new blog that I’ve been following called White Noise. Today I read one of the funniest posts I’ve seen in a long time. Although I doubt it’s all true, it is still very funny.

The story is at Qantas Airlines, the pilots have made several maintenance requests in which the ground crew checked out and reported back. The following is a supposed collection of the funniest (P = pilots request, S = solution from maintenance):

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

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  • Hey Rob. Good to be reading your blog again. I retired from the Air Force a couple of years back and my favorite maintenance write up was from one of my clueless students at Navigator School. It read, “RADAR won’t work with the mode selector in the ‘OFF’ position.” He never made it through Navigator School and the last I heard from him he was selling used cars in Georgia!